Oh, having children

Dave and I found this online, and thought it was pretty funny. So much so, I had to share with you!

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE
CHILDREN

Test 1
Women to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip
the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about
their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their
children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits,toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last
time in your life that you will ha ve all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a
wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned
to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and
go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room
until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
cup of tea.

6.Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no
arms hang o ut.

3. Time allowed for this 5 minutes.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't
think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and
shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back
seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions
about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect al ong the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until
the neighbours come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child
for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find, to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting
the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do
not even contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to
side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon
them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an
aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Thomas
the Tank Engine and Disney. Watch nothing else on television
for at least 5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them
on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
Important no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy
- occasional cresce ndo to the level of a supersonic jet if
required.Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4
years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while
playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while
there's a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have
an important meeting. Now
1. Take a cup of cream and add 1 cup of lemon juice

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children

This time next week

I'll be getting ready for my last day of school! Woot! I am so excited to be done for the year, I can not wait. Though, I'll put the disclaimer here, I do love those girls, and have loved teaching them all there is to learn in the fifth grade, like every teacher feels when the weather gets around 70, I am soooo ready for summer. And for school to be over! So only one more week! Eeee!

And, I would normally also say here that I can't wait to sleep in, but that wouldn't happen anyway. Lately, James has been getting up at 7 or 730 rather than his normal 8 or 830. What the dill? To add to that, two nights ago he woke up three times during the night and woke up for the day at 640. That, my friends, is not okay. I don't think he's done that since he was nine months old? All I am saying is his sleeping habits better shape up.

Or else.

(Again to reiterate, only four more days of school! Holla!)

I bet my Friday night was cooler that yours...

...because I just spent the last 45 minutes deep cleaning James' car seat. Ye-ah Baby! Ok, so if you don't know by now, I am a somewhat anal perfectionist when it comes to cleaning. Apparently, that includes cleaning my sons car seat. If you can just imagine what can happen to a car seat that gets used by a two year old for a year, and all the snacks, drinks, drive-thru meals and the like get eaten in that seat, things get messy. And it's all those snacks that get caught in the teeny tiny crevices and molt or multiply or something over the course of a year that gets super gross. So, in super cool Cerissa fashion (and since James car seat is currently out of the car because I had to take it from the Jeep and put it into his Mimi's car so he could go with her to Dave's track meet today) I got my Clorox Everywhere spray (that stuff is great, if you haven't tried it, Do), about one hundred Q-tips, paper towels and a steak knife and got busy cleaning out the miniscule cracks of the car seat in the middle of my kitchen floor. It was not pretty. I think that old raisins mixed with goldfish and what could possibly be ranch dressing (which I never give him "dips" in the car seat, so that whitish liquid-y stuff that was in one crack sorta scares me...its a mystery as to what it really is...blech...) equals a pretty messy job. But I did it, and once his little cushion-y things are outta the dryer, it will be like brand new. I might even have to enlist a "no snacks in the car seat policy." We'll see how long that lasts.

Aren't you glad you asked what I did on a Friday night. Geez, I am so hip and cool. Somebody stop me.

(I also watched some Scrubs, so I am not totally lame, right. Right??)

"Now on DVD..."

Don't expect any flow or connection to the thoughts I am about to share.

James just said, as he was eating his bananas at lunch." Look mama, a flat tire (pointing to a toddler induced squished banana on his plate)!" Then, picking up a banana that had not been squished, "It's fixed!" I am guessing he was assuming that this "banana wheel" was not flat. Also, eating Italian Wedding soup (you know the soup whose noodles are little balls??) said, "Momma, I like this popcorns!" Apparently, the look popcorn-ish to him. He is currently half closing his eyes and saying, "Let's pray. Deeeear Jesus. Thank you for this food, and Thank you for Jesus. Aaaaaa-men." What a kid.

I had a dream last night that I was washing dishes. Isn't that an awful dream? I mean, I do it all day- clean, wipe, put away, etc...Why on God's green earth would I want to dream clean as well? I do like cleaning, I know I know. But even this girl would like a break from her house wife, house cleaning duties once in a while. And not only was I just doing regular dishes, I was specifically cleaning a crock pot filled with crusty spaghetti noodles. Again, what the heck!!! It was like some one had apparently made spaghetti in the crock pit and left it on high all night. No fair, dreams. No fair. I expect to be pampered tonight! A pedicure would be nice...

It's raining today. And for some reason whenever it's raining, I have to eat apples and peanut butter. Does that happen to anyone else?

If you are wondering why this post is entitled, "Now on DVD..." I will share with you now. At Mother's Day lunch this past Sunday, we were all sitting around the table at Mimi and Pop's house gobblig down some delicious steak and shrimp shis ka bobs (is that even close to the right spelling??) when James says, "Bob the builder: On site edition...Now on DVD!" We all broke out laughing! What the heck! You know your kid has watched the same Thomas the train movie when he started quoting the pre-movie previews. That just isn't right. But pretty funny.

I'd also like to make a shout out to Clara Dell who is three months old today. We love ya girl!

this early bird is not catching any worms

Oh. I feel like my head weighs ten pounds and is currently clouded with feathers. That makes sense, right? James woke up a bit early this morning and I was in such a deep, hard sleep that it took a couple of the shouting, "Momma, I'm up!!"'s to actually get my butt outta bed. And now that we are up (at 7:45 no less) I still can seem to function. My head is all fuzzy and my body is apparently filled with lead. Of course, being in this state, the most natural thing for me to do next is blog about it, right? I knew you'd agree. I might just come back later to read this post and think that I am crazy, because I don't think I am making any sense on here.

I'd better get coffee. And cereal.

Peace out.